K-Fed Asks For Sole Custody

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Monday night, “Yeah, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are breaking up. Kevin is asking for sole custody of the two joys of his life. Britney says, ‘No, the implants are staying in.’ … You know something? I knew this guy was creepy. You hear about — give you an idea of what creep this Federline guy is. I can’t believe this. Did you hear about this? It is now being reported he will sell the sex tape he made with Britney on their honeymoon. On their honeymoon they filmed themselves. He’s going to sell it. The tabloids claim he’s been offered $40 million for the tape. But K-Fed also wants them to buy some of his CDs, so they withdrew the offer. That was the deal breaker, right there. That’s pretty creepy. Isn’t it? … Wal-Mart is coming out with their own wine. A $2 wine from Wal-Mart. And McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib sandwich. So, Wal-Mart wine, McRib sandwich — looks like Kevin Federline is gonna have a a nice Thanksgiving after all.”

K-Fed Shocked

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Wednesday night, “I’ll tell you, as if he wasn’t having a bad enough day, when Donald Rumsfeld got in line at the unemployment office, got stuck behind Kevin Federline. … Britney Spears is out showing off her new physique. She dropped 175 pounds — her husband! … As you know, K-Fed now Fed-Ex pretty much. … After little more than two years, Britney Spears filed for divorce. Of course, a lot of people are shocked — not about divorce — the fact that it lasted two years. Really? … I guess Britney realized she didn’t need Kevin to drive her around anymore now that she has the babies to drive. … And you know, Kevin Federline, he was so shocked when he heard the news, he jumped up, knocked the lap dancer right off his lap. Didn’t even realize. … But I wouldn’t worry about Britney. I mean, you know she’s smart. They have a prenup. You know that? They a very tight one. I guess Britney gets custody of the house, the kids, the cars and the bank account. Kevin gets to keep that little hat.”

K-Fed Talks With DC’s Hot 99.5 FM

Kevin Federline was on the phone with the Hot Morning Mess on Hot 99.5 in Washington, DC on Monday (October 30) to promote his debut album ‘Playing with Fire’. He talked about the Jayden James and Sutton Pierce baby name confusion, his thoughts on the media, why he attracts so much animosity, ‘Popozao’ not being on the disc, tour plans, and if he and wife Britney Spears will be having anymore children. Afterwards, they joked about how he’s a man of few words. Audio at hot995.com has since been removed.

Fabolous Condition Upgraded

Amy Poehler joked during ‘Weekend Update’ on ‘Saturday Night Live’ over the weekend, “Rapper Fabolous was shot early Tuesday after leaving a Manhattan restaurant. His condition was upgraded to ‘criticolous’ to ‘stableos’.”

Snoop Dogg Celebrates 35th Birthday

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night monologue on Friday night, “Earlier today, Snoop Dogg — he’s been on this show many times. He’s a good man. Snoop Dogg celebrated his 35th birthday. Yeah. And, and so did everyone who lived downwind of him.”

K-Fed Contest

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night monologue on Friday night, “Kevin Federline’s holding a contest for his fans. The winner will receive a pair of sneakers he once wore on stage. Yeah. And the loser will continue to be Kevin Federline.”

Army Strong

Jay Leno joked during his Tonight Show monologue on Friday night, “There’s a $200 million ad campaign to come up with a new motto for the Army — ‘Army Strong’. That’s the new slogan. $200 million to come up with that. $100 million a word. [Laughter] That’s the most anyone’s gotten for two words since Kevin Federline said, ‘I do.’ $100 million.”

People Won’t Call Me Untalented Once They…

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night Celebrity Survey segment on Tuesday night: “People won’t call me untalented once they… David Hasselhoff wrote, ‘Get over their own preconceptions.’ Hilary duff wrote, ‘See me in a dramatic role.’ Kevin Federline wrote, ‘Find even harsher words to describe me.'”

Twins For Diddy

Conan O’Brien joked during his Late Night monologue on Wednesday night, “Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs is in the news. Combs announced that he and his girlfriend are expecting twins. Isn’t that nice? Yeah. Yeah, so far we don’t know the sex of the twins, all we know for sure is that Diddy will give them stupid names.”

First Words From K-Fed’s Son

Carson Daly joked during his Last Call monologue on Tuesday night, “Well, I know you all tune in for the latest on Britney Spears, so here we go. The latest is that Britney has just sold her New York condominium. It’s lovely. She sold it for 4 million bucks. It’s nice. Good deal, too. The lucky buyer got three bedrooms, four bathrooms, and one degenerate white rapper… Other news from the Spears household. This is adorable. K-Fed is telling the media right now that the baby that he had with Britney, Sean Preston, just said his first word. And this is great. Next month, the baby plans to teach K-Fed how to read.”