Comedian Mike Britt focused the first half of his stand up routine on Last Call with Carson Daly blasting President Bush, and the second half joking about the current state of hip hop. Britt joked about Cam’ron’s high pitched ‘Oh Boy’ and the DMX alarm clock that would wake you up constantly goin’ ‘What!’ and ‘Come On!’ if you tried to hit snooze. Read on for a transcript.
I would love the president to get gangsters. If somebody blow your
city up, you’re supposed to get tough. I would love the president to just
rhyme one time. You know what I’m talking about? Forget all of that “my
american –” no, no. I’d like to see him come out, you know, bush come
out with a wife-beater on.
[ Laughter ] You know what I’m saying? A tattoo of the flag right here,
the statue oliberty over here. He don’t even say nothing, just let the
beat drop, and he’d just start going —
ooh, ah osama, you ain’t ready for this
[ Laughter ] You know, he keeps sending us tapes. Why don’t we send
him one? He keeps making videos.
[ Laughter and applause ] He’s got a new video every week. It’s the
hip-hoppers. I love hip-hop, but it’s bad right now. There’s a lot of garbage
in hip-hop, ’cause a lot of artists be saying sff that don’t make sense.
It’s the thugs. Everybody want to be a thug, but the stuff don’t sound
[ Laughter ] You know what I’m saying? You know —
I’m on a block
oh boy oh boy
[ Laughter ] But listen, listen. Now, I like this cat. The cat you have
on the song, I like him, but listen to what they be saying. This is what
he said. He said something right, then he said “I put a shell in the –”
let me explain something to you. You can’t put a shell in anybody. The
shell is the casing of the bullet.
[ Applause ] You understand what I’m saying? That means you’re gonna
“pow, pow, pow,” and you’re taking these bullets off and cramming them
in this dude’s chest. Laught ] If you don’t understand what I’m talking
about. You feel me? Remember ‘lil kim. Remember ‘lil kim. Remember this
zipping on your ninja honda with a dj rhonda honda don’t make the ninja.
[ Laughter and applause ] But I’m just saying. You know, listen. I take
it way back. I see some old heads in here. Remember nice ‘n smooth? Remember
Dizzy gillespie played the sax he played the trumpet!
[ Laughter and applause ] He never even touched a saxophone. Gangster
rap, I don’t understand. When you do crime you supposed to be on the low,
right? You not supposed to tell people what you do. Black people, something
about us, as soon as we hear a beat, we lose our mind. You know what I’m
saying? That’s how they’re gonna start catching cats in court. They’re
gonna drop a beat and it’s gonna be all over. All the lawyer’s gotta do
is say, “your honor, can I have that beat played?” He’s gonna jump right
out the window and say —
I shot the dude in the face they ain’t got a case
[ Laughter ] “You did! Your album says the whole thing right here! Number
13’s like ‘I shot rob.’ What are you talking about?” It’s right here on
the album, the creds and everything, accomplices. There’s too much, man!
There’s too much of is stuff. You’ve got to just relax sometimes and listen
to easy listening or something. The thugs, everybody just —
[ Groahow you gonna be a thug, but your phone don’t match, you know?
Sometimes, people’s rings don’t match. How you’re gonna be walking hard,
and your phone go off and be like —
la, la, la la, la, la, la
[ Laughter ] Just slow down with the thuggin’. That’s all I’m saying.
Just slow down a little bit. Are you feeling me? Just relax a littl let’s
Happened to the happy songs, know? You know what I’m saying,brothe there’s
other uses you can have for the hip-hop. It can be, like, what if we get
dmx together with, like, radio shack. Right?
[ Laughter ] And make a dmx alarm clocks. I bet they’ll work. I bet
you if you work up and heard this — “what, what! What, what! What, what!
What, what! What, what! What, what!”
[ Laughter and applause ] I bet you’d get your ass up. You go to try
hit the snooze button, it’d be like, “come on! Come on! Come on!” It’s
hot in here. It’s tough for us light skin dudes. You know what I’m talking
[ Laughter ] It’s hard popping up for here. Hey, everybody, I had a
great time. Thanks for having me here. Enjoy the rest of the night.